Fat cat with a bad attitude and matted hair?

I have a ten year old fat calico that is lazy and has a bad attitude. She will not let us brush her hair let alone touch her unless she wants the attention. She is so mean that I have to notify the veterinarian in advance when she is coming so they can have two vets on staff and we have to give her a tranquilizer before she goes to the vet. Here's the problem thoug, she's so fat she cannot get the hair that she sheds off her back and it forms this huge pile that grosses me out. She is also prone to matted hair on her back. How in the heck can you remove hair from her back and help her with her grooming when 90% of the time she doesn't want to be touched or petted past her head?

My vaccuum cleaner came with a pet hair attachment to brush your pet with (Kirby cleaner, I'm not kidding). I attempted this once, ended up with a scratch from my arm all the way down to my toes and a PISSED off cat. Now if I even bring a brush in his eyesight he flips.

I get someone to help me hold him down and quickly try to brush the crap off him. Works sometimes.

drunk cat